I hold my hands up… I’m struggling ! 

There are sometimes when I feel like I would like to lift my brain out and gladly have it replaced with another… 

I’m completely guilty of thinking I can take on the world when I’m having good run in terms of feeling confident, however when the pressure starts to pile up my brain simply cannot take it and I feel like it’s a volcano about to erupt. This is how I think that my own Lou feels when she experiences meltdowns or ‘Sensory Overloads’ we have brains that can only really process 1 or 2 things at a time and it will explode if too overloaded or pressured. 

A huge rule in my household is that we don’t shout, we want to be calm in front of Lou, to provide a calming environment and model relaxation techniques to help her cope with her brain overloads, when it all just gets too much…

…But this morning I forgot this, this morning I was feeling pressured, I was worried about Moo who isn’t well at the moment and because my children are my priority I am behind in terms of my paperwork, if I don’t have a plan I get confused, I stumble and I waffle it’s like Lou would feel without her visual timetable, Moo was screaming as she wasn’t really wanting to go out into the cold when not well, and I didn’t really want to take her out but Lou needed to get to school. Whilst refusing to put on her school shoes, get her coat on and have her hair tied up I realised that Lou had a load of toothpaste at the bottom of her trouser legs of all places, so with the screaming and refusing still going on and now the dampening on the trousers, something clicked in my head, I forgot to stay calm, I forgot to not give Lou direct demands, and I lost it 😦 I shouted 😦 

My ‘head was red’ as Lou would call it. 

Enough is enough… 

… something needs to give, I need to except that I am a mummy first and foremost, my 2 young and lively children need their Mummy to be on top form, they don’t need a nervous, paranoid and anxious mess. They don’t need a Mummy who finds it necessary to clean the house everyday as she believes that it is too messy, which is clearly a coping mechanism, that I have control over something and this is diverting my stress out. 

They need and they want a Mummy that plays with them and doesn’t feel that she should always be doing something else. 

Today Mummy took a step back and said enough is enough, because in order to be strong for my 2 children, I need to look after myself… 

This is an idea of why my brain currently feels like too much is going on…

~ Lou’s ‘Umberella Pathway’ assessment process has begun – an assessment for ASD. 

~ It’s parents evening tonight – lots of listening for me that I find difficult to take it, worrying that everything is ok with Lou. 

~ Paperwork for my music sessions and battling an anxiety of ‘performing’ in front of a crowd of people.’ (This didn’t effect me 6 months ago.) 

~ Ongoing pain in my back – since July 2016, to which I’ve now said that I need to seek advice from a private Physio, a constant worry that it will effect my future job prospects. 

~ My own adult assessment – being referred back in December ’16 and not hearing anything since. 

~ Tiles keep falling off my bathroom wall and the agency I pay rent to don’t seem bothered ! My oven won’t work due to it tripping the electrics every time it is turned on! 

~ A constant worry that I’ve upset someone, I’ve said/done something wrong in a social situation, I’ve offended anyone, a wish that I could read people but my brain is wired in such a way that I find people and social situations hard to read. 

~ A battle inside my head everyday in terms of Lou, for example, she coped ever so well during a recent birthday party, (I’m so pleased she enjoyed it,) apart from a sudden unexpected sound of bubble wrapping popping, but soon recovered. So I sit there thinking, “she’s fine,” maybe we’ll see a change, yet once reaching home she had a huge meltdown, as she’d obviously held in her overloads during the party. 

For the time being I’m going to be a Mummy and carry on blogging when my girls are tucked up in bed, I cannot lose my blog, it is my therapy where I write so that thoughts and worries no longer bounce around in my head, people will either read these posts or not, they may help someone or not, but I will carry on doing them as blogging doesn’t make me stressed 🙂 

To some people, these things that are going on in my brain may see trivial, some may say “she’s got nothing to stress about,” but as my mum has always told me: “You are you, you are not other people, and other people cope with things differently.” 

Part of my problem is that I find it difficult to cope with a lot going on and have such a low ability to cope with pain, and stress, which I think is something to do with me being such a highly sensitive individual, I am learning to tell myself that every single person has a different level of coping and trying to tell myself not to be afraid of admitting that I’m struggling… 

… I simply cannot pretend or mask to be someone I’m not… 

… I cannot help the way my brain is wired no matter how much I pretend, or practice or copy others. 

Thanks for reading 🙂 


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