I didn’t even realise that my brain could be described as ‘Neurodiverse’ until almost a year ago. Even though I have always felt ‘different’ even as a child.
I have a Love-Hate relationship with my ‘rainbow brain’ as I like to refer to it! Sometimes I can be sailing along quite nicely, feel OK and confident and then BANG something goes wrong and the ‘red mist’ descends, and then I ‘explode’ like a volcano!
The reasons why I love my rainbow brain:
- Because I have finally learnt to embrace my ‘differences,’ rather than being a ‘sheep’ and copying what others say or do, I had spent so long referring to myself as ‘the weird’ girl, but now I rather be myself than a clone of others, or how people ‘think’ I should be.
- Because I have learnt to ‘find my tribe,’ I have support groups online to thank for this, belonging to a group of ‘Mums on the Spectrum,’ where you can write anything and lots of people will report, relate and advise.
- Because I have the ability to ‘hyper-focus’ on particular topics or interests, and I find a lot of joy in this. I love photography, seeing patterns in the environment and I love my ability to focus on research and study and the buzz I get from learning. I love finding out facts and information, which is something that I have carried from my childhood.
- Because I’m completely dedicated to my children, I never thought I could think about 2 other people more than thinking about myself, I learn through my children and they’ve taught me to adjust from self-thinking and self-being, although sometimes I still find it difficult to tap into sometimes. My rainbow brain has the ability to tap into 2 girls who also have ‘rainbow,’ or Neurodiverse brains. I feel things like they do and see things like they do, it is hard to get this across to some people but I am trying!
- Because of my brilliant and long term memory – I see everything in pictures and memories will crop into my head with the ability to see that scenario or event as it happened, the colours, what people were wearing, etc. I can remember a lot of happy memories from when I was a child. I also visualise people’s faces.
The reasons why I hate my ‘rainbow brain.’
- Because it allows me to ‘overthink’ I’d love to have the ability to ‘under-think’ (if that’s even a word!?!) I can have a conversation one day and still be worrying that I didn’t say something right 2 weeks later!
- Because I find some people beyond confusing, I tend to respond well to people who are straightforward and tell me exactly how it is, people who are ‘woolly’ and don’t tell me things straight are confusing! People, including family members, have taken me off their Facebook friends list, I’d like to know why, if you don’t like me or I’ve done something to upset/annoy sometime I just wish they’d tell me straight, rather than just ignoring me and remaining ‘secretive,’ I like to know where I stand! If I know I can then deal with it and move on! Rather than just obsessing over it for weeks! Cue ‘obsessive personality!’
- Because I have an obsessive nature and that I find it very difficult to ‘let things go,’ often obsessing for days, weeks, months, even years! If I feel ‘wronged’ about something I will go on and on about it! And this usually ends in me writing a long letter or email about how wronged I feel!
- Because I HATE to be wrong! If I get ‘told off,’ or if someone doesn’t see things from my viewpoint I tend to argue my point and then shut down to avoid any sort of confrontation and then I get what I call ‘red mist,’ where I just feel angry and find it very difficult to calm down!
- Because I don’t forget! Sometimes I wish I could wipe certain memories as they often come back in a ‘flash-back.’ I can remember the look on the faces of people who teased or bullied me when I was a child, I often focus on a negative feature that they had and wondered why they were teasing or bullying me when no one is perfect! Like the boy with the big, googly eyes, so big and starey that they could take over his whole head, the girl who told me I was ‘fat’ and needed a bra when I was 11, yet a tin of ‘Slim Fast’ fell out of her bag, and the boy who everyone seemed to love, yet had these big flarey nostrils that could almost breathe fire! I wonder if these people grew up to be the same, making themselves feel better through making someone else so unhappy?
- Because I find it hard to start a task and then find it impossible to stop doing it! Sometimes I will put something off and procrastinate but when I eventually get around to doing it, then find it difficult to leave the task unfinished! I often am up past 12am as I am a night thinker, however not so great when your children get up at 5am!
- Because my brain can make me so paranoid, my brain has needed Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (currently on a waiting list for more,) counselling and life coaching. Sometimes life is hard and tasks and events that ‘Neurotypical’ people may find not so catastrophic, I find incredibly difficult. This is why I do look back and sometimes wonder how I’ve just been ‘allowed’ to go on and make many mistakes as I’m such a poor judgement maker and often feel judged for making the wrong decision, yet nobody actually guides me and steers me the ‘right’ way.
However difficult things can be sometimes, I cannot change my rainbow brain, I just have to embrace it and use it to its best abilities and just try and learn coping mechanisms for those negative aspects.