I grew up believing that to receive your driving licence is literally like being given a ‘magic key,’ to a different world!
I was under the impression that it was essential for everyone to hold this ‘magic key.’ At times when things get a bit tricky at home, usually after one of Lou’s violent outbursts, I get the big feeling once again of guilt, that my children aren’t getting the same experiences to other children, who’s parent’s hold that all important magic key! In reality even though kind people, who are attempting to make me feel better, have mentioned to “just get her out” in terms of avoiding the behaviours that Lou displays at home. Other people have been astonished when I mentioned that both myself and Lou’s father do not drive, “Really, so you both don’t drive?” This is becoming one of those posts where I feel that I have to ‘justify’ myself, but I’ve had to explain this so many times, and until recently I didn’t even know the true meaning as to why I find driving so difficult. or openly wish to admit it to people, as this feels like yet another failure on my part.
The bottom line is, even if I did hold this ‘magic key,’ I really don’t think I could still take both of my kids out unaccompanied! In public places, Lou experiences ‘sensory overloads,’ this means that she may likely throw herself down onto the floor (anywhere) and I have to calm her whilst also keeping an eye on a toddler who also experiences sensory difficulties in terms of noise in busy places, such as supermarkets. Then whilst all of this is going on, and there a lot of noise, people staring and tutting I then start getting very anxious and the lights are bright and then before we know it I’m having an overload and want to immediately run for the door and get out! There’s also the issue of getting to and from places, with Lou who likes to kick into the back of the car seats and poke and pinch her younger sister, I have visions of having to stop frequently along any journey to prevent her from an outburst, which would mean that safety would be compromised, not to mention that to properly concentrate I cannot cope with any noise in the car! More of this to come in a minute!!!!
I always have told people that my reason for not trying to obtain the ‘magic key,’ was due to an accident that I had with an arctic lorry when I was in a learner car when I was 17, yes this is 100% true and I am very anxious with being on the road, especially when I see lorries, however I have recently had another ‘light bulb’ moment in terms of why I find it so difficult being ‘in charge’ of a car.
- I’m not great with demands! (I wonder where Lou gets this from?!?) Driving is one huge demand with lots of underlying demands, with an instructor sat next to me and ‘telling me what to do,’ I often felt like saying to them: “Just shut up!” (Whoops.) This causes my brain to go blank, just like when someone gives me a maths problem to solve, my brain goes into ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ mode and will shut down and go completely blank. (Dangerous behind the wheel.)
- I have been experiencing a great deal of ‘visual stress,’ over the past few months, resulting in pain around my eyes and headaches, I think I do need stronger glasses and I’m attending to this, this week. However I recently found out about ‘Irlen Syndrome,’ and it was like another ‘light-bulb’ moment! I’ve been experiencing many of the symptoms of ‘Irlens’ since I was a child and have just presumed that everyone sees like this! (Whoops,) when I was 11 I complained about not being able to see the information on the new class ‘Whiteboard’ and that I could see better on the good old-fashioned ‘blackboard,’ so what they did was to move me closer to the board, which if anything, made it worse! It was, in fact, the brightness and glare of the whiteboard that I was struggling with. Looking back on every photograph taken of me outside, I am squinting and finding it very hard to see and keep my eyes open, my eyes hurt when I’m trying to concentrate in full sunlight, sometimes I find it more comfortable to even wear my sunglasses inside the house! I also turn off the lights and sit in the dark and pull curtains across to avoid the sunlight! I turn my laptop screen to dull white and my phone now has a light green, instead of the white background. If I’m in bright sunlight, especially when on a driving lesson, I will be affected more by the brightness that it would create coloured shapes that move across my vision and leave an outline of objects even after they have gone out of sight. It is difficult to judge spaces and judgment becomes generally out-of-sync. It is therefore most likely why I’ve previously described being in control of a car as ‘like someone else is controlling it, and that I go into a trance-like state.’
You can read more about ‘Irlen Syndrome’ here:
3. I cannot afford lessons, a car, MOT, Tax, petrol, etc!!!! Money is extremely tight, more than ever as we are ‘one-parent who works,’ household currently, whilst I am available for my 2 young children when they need me most. Any spare scrap of money goes onto essential items for the girls, such as clothing and specialist items, such as sensory toys and equipment to support their sensory seeking behaviours. It would take a lot of money to get that ‘special key,’ and I may also yet require special lenses for my glasses depending on the outcomes of assessments I’m looking at in the near future.
4. I just don’t understand!!! On the surface I may appear to understand, usually giving a polite nod, when underneath the surface it’s like I’m frantically trying to tread water! I am an visual and kinesthetic learner, I learn by seeing and doing, via trial and error, unfortunately with driving you cannot always use the trial and error method! What I should have been completely honest about when people ask me why I don’t drive is that I’m actually being assessed for an ‘Autistic Spectrum Condition,’ (ASC,) which until recently (and a change of term,) I would have been most likely described as having ‘Asperger’s Syndrome,’ and as I have written in my latest essay: “People with Asperger’s Syndrome, can speak in sentences, however their understanding of what is being said and understanding the context can be limited.” I’m pretty sure that most of my early language was either repeating phrases I’d heard (known as echolalia) and talking about my ‘special interests,’ and as I’ve come into adulthood, pieced it together a bit in the middle! In my own words, on the surface I can appear to ‘talk-the-talk,’ but actually fully understanding what I’m saying in a different ball game! So when my old driving instructor used to tell me that when doing a ‘3-point-turn,’ that I needed to look at the angle of a particular object in the mirror, I had no clue what he was actually on about!
4. Lou’s Daddy can practically drive, he has awareness of the road as he’s been riding a moped for a number of years, however, to gain his ‘magic key,’ he would have to pass his all important Theory Test, and this, at the moment would be like mission impossible as we are looking at getting him officially tested for Dyslexia. We recently accessed his medical records (which is a whole different story!) But even though we believed that he has Dyslexia, there is no ‘official’ diagnosis anywhere in his medical history (those good one 1980s again!) He has taken the theory test with the aid of headphones and someone reading the questions to him, but he’s still struggled. So between us we are a right pair!
Every time someone offers me a lift, I feel guilty and like I have to justify why I don’t drive, every medical appointment I have to explain how I have to get there via public transport and I cringe every time one of my girls gets an appointment and it’s not near a bus or train route! However, I do need to stop the guilt trip and remember that not absolutely everyone needs to untimely have that ‘magic key,’ as there may be varying circumstances, and I need to remember that what I can offer my children, is my time and a whole 13 years worth of activity ideas.
Thanks for reading 🙂